Boundaries are the limits we set with other people. They assert what behaviors we find acceptable or unacceptable. This clarity helps avoid misunderstandings, fostering a more respectful environment. Boundaries protect our emotional health (Case et al., 2020) and prevent mental exhaustion (Sonnentag & Fritz, 2007). For these reasons, today’s post explores this topic and does so from a more research-based standpoint.
Setting boundaries is important to enhance relationships at work and at home. It helps us avoid feeling overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of others. Establishing personal boundaries is crucial for building trust and mutual respect. While boundaries should evolve, just like our relationships and our way of being in the world (Ciolfi & Lockley, 2018), asserting our needs fosters an environment where they are more likely to be acknowledged and respected (Gillihan, 2018).
Boundaries contribute to psychological safety in the workplace (Edmondson, 1999). Psychological safety, or the belief that one can express oneself without fear of negative consequences, is foundational for creativity, learning, and innovation (Kessel et al., 2012). Boundaries help create an environment where individuals feel free to express their thoughts and needs.
Knowing the importance of boundaries is one thing. Understanding how to set them effectively is another. Here are practical tips grounded in research for setting boundaries both at work and at home:
Start with Self-Awareness
The first step in setting boundaries is self-awareness. According to Morin (2011), when we are self-aware, we are more likely to align our actions with our values, be more open in relationships, and handle rejection effectively. Self-awareness empowers us to control our behaviors, manage our emotions, and make better choices. By understanding ourselves better, we can more easily identify our needs and wants. These are key elements for setting personal boundaries and to recognize when they have been crossed.
I can recall times when I was caught off guard when a manager asked me about my needs to complete a demanding project. Whenever I lacked clarity on what I needed, I ended up not receiving the appropriate support. Other times, this lack of self-awareness led me to settle for less in a salary negotiation, for example, and only later realizing that my needs were not met. Being in tune with ourselves and fully understanding what we need and want to live a healthy and successful life is essential.
In addition to supporting us in identifying our needs, self-awareness helps us in taking the next step: communicating our boundaries to others. In a comprehensive summary of the topic, Eurich (2018) reports that individuals with high self-awareness are more effective communicators.
Be Clear
Clear communication is the second step towards setting boundaries. It is vital to expressing needs, desires, and limitations. Effective communication is about being direct, honest, and respectful, allowing us to establish our boundaries clearly. This ensures that our personal space, time, and energy are acknowledged by others.
Communication is so important to setting and managing boundaries that Leppäkumpu and Sivunen (2023) describe boundary management as a continuous act of communication. When we articulate our boundaries, we set clear expectations, which decreases the chances of others overstepping them. It also guides others on how to interact with us in a respectful manner.
Practice Saying No
Saying no can be difficult, especially when we fear disappointing others. However, learning to say no is essential for setting boundaries. As with any skill, the art of saying no improves with practice. Rehearsing potential scenarios can prepare you for real situations. This is important because research has linked the ability to decline requests to a greater control over one’s life (Patrick & Hagtvedt, 2012), underscoring the empowerment that comes from setting clear boundaries.
However, just because learning to say no can be empowering, it doesn’t mean that we should be unkind or hostile. When declining a request, expressing gratitude can convey appreciation and ease the impact of the refusal. Assertive communication makes it possible to firmly decline while still showing respect and kindness.
Identify Challenges
Most of us have faced situations where our boundaries have been pushed or crossed. To set boundaries successfully, we need to identify the main challenges to boundary setting and management, be it at home or at work. Shalev et al. (2022) discuss the importance of boundaries for health professionals and identify obstacles such as institutional expectations, colleague demands, patient needs, and relationships with referring clinicians. Each profession has its own list of deterrents to boundary setting, and we can’t address them if we don’t know them. Think of your profession. Think of your specific employment circumstances. What are the barriers to boundary setting?
Being conscious of the obstacles in front of us can help in identifying our needs. This awareness can also prompt us to utilize our resources and networks to navigate difficult situations that threaten or override our boundaries.
Be Consistent
When boundaries are consistently communicated and enforced, there is less room for ambiguity or misunderstanding. This clarity is crucial in both personal and professional contexts, as it reduces the cognitive load on both parties to remember and respect each other’s boundaries.
Consistency is also key to preventing boundary erosion over time. Without it, boundaries can become blurred. It reinforces the seriousness of our limits and ensures that others clearly understand them.
Seek Support
Don’t hesitate to seek support when setting boundaries or when you feel yours have been threatened. Whether it’s from a mentor, a therapist, or friends and family, external support can provide encouragement and advice.
People in your support system can offer you concrete strategies and tools for setting and communicating boundaries. This might include role-playing scenarios, teaching assertive communication skills, or offering language that can be used to express boundaries clearly.
One specific way that therapists can support boundary development is through supportive listening. Zilcha-Mano et al. (2014) emphasize the importance of therapeutic alliance, which includes empathy and validation. Feeling heard and understood reinforces our sense of self-worth and the legitimacy of our boundaries. In this sense, therapists can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for individuals to process negative feelings. They offer support and understanding that mitigate the emotional impact when our attempts to set and hold boundaries fail.
Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-care. They are essential for maintaining our psychological health and the vitality of our relationships. This practice demands self-awareness, clear communication, and the bravery to assert our needs. Establishing and upholding healthy boundaries shield our well-being and cultivate deeper connections with others.
Although not everyone may initially honor our boundaries, it’s important to be ready to affirm them, emphasizing their significance for our own well-being. By acknowledging our limits, we nurture environments that champion reciprocal respect.
I will see you next week!
References:
Case, A. D., Keyes, C. L. M., Huffman, K. F., Sittser, K., Wallace, A., Khatiwoda, P., Parnell, H. E., & Proeschold-Bell, R. J. (2020). Attitudes and behaviors that differentiate clergy with positive mental health from those with burnout. Journal of Prevention & Intervention in the Community, 48(1), 94-112. https://doi.org/10.1080/10852352.2019.1617525
Ciolfi, L., & Lockley, E. (2018). From work to life and back again: Examining the digitally-mediated work/life practices of a group of knowledge workers. Computer Supported Cooperative Work, 27, 803-839. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10606-018-9315-3
Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350-383. https://doi.org/10.2307/2666999
Eurich, T. (2018). What self-awareness really is (and how to cultivate it). Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it
Gillihan, S. J. (2018, January 18). 5 benefits of asserting your needs—and how to start today. Psychology Today. https://shorturl.at/dtQ12
Kessel, M., Kratzer, J., & Schultz, C. (2012). Psychological safety, knowledge sharing, and creative performance in healthcare teams. Creativity and Innovation Management, 21(2), 147-157. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8691.2012.00635.x
Leppäkumpu, J., & Sivunen, A. (2023). Communicating across the borders: Managing work-life boundaries through communication in various domains. Community, Work & Family, 26(2), 222-241.
Morin, A. (2011). Self‐awareness part 1: Definition, measures, effects, functions, and antecedents. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(10), 807-823.
Patrick, V. M., & Hagtvedt, H. (2012). “I Don’t” versus “I Can’t”: When empowered refusal motivates goal-directed behavior. Journal of Consumer Research, 39(2), 371-381. https://doi.org/10.1086/663212
Shalev, D., Traeger, L. N., Doyle, K., Kiser, S. B., Brenner, K. O., Rosenberg, L. B., Jacobsen, J. C., Seaton, M., & Jackson, V. A. (2022). Turning the lens inward: The psychological elements of clinician well-being. Journal of Palliative Medicine, 25(3), 349-354. https://doi.org/10.1089/jpm.2021.0548
Sonnentag, S., & Fritz, C. (2007). The Recovery Experience Questionnaire: Development and validation of a measure for assessing recuperation and unwinding from work. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 12(3), 204-221. https://doi.org/10.1037/1076-8998.12.3.204
Zilcha-Mano, S., Dinger, U., McCarthy, K. S., & Barber, J. P. (2014). Does alliance predict symptoms throughout treatment, or is it the other way around? Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(6), 931-935.
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