Last week, I wrote about the importance of making new friends in midlife. Although I mentioned that it can be difficult, I didn’t explore the reasons why. Today, I would like to explore some of the challenges we face when trying to make new friends in our 40s and 50s.
Busy Lives and Competing Priorities
One of the primary reasons making new friends in midlife is tough is the busyness of our routines. In our 40s and 50s, we often juggle demanding careers, family responsibilities, and other obligations. Between work deadlines, caring for children or aging parents, and managing household tasks, we often have little time left for socializing. It is not that we don’t want to make new friends. It is just that our schedules are packed, leaving minimal room for cultivating new relationships.
Relishing in Hard-Earned Comfort
Then, when we have a little free time, we often prefer to relish the comfort of our places or routines that we have worked so hard to build. As we age, we prioritize emotional stability and comfort. I don’t know about you, but after a long day or week of work, I enjoy the ease of my backyard and the series I want to catch up on. However, this can make us less inclined to disrupt our well-established routines to make room for new friendships. The desire to maintain this hard-earned comfort can act as a barrier to seeking out and nurturing new social connections.
Established Social Circles
By the time we reach midlife, many of us have established social circles that we are comfortable with. We have long-standing friendships that have stood the test of time. While these relationships are invaluable, they can sometimes make us less open to new connections. We may feel that our social needs are already met, or we might not see the urgency in making new friends. These established social circles have also passed the test of acceptable ideologies. Living in a period of extremist views and divisions, we certainly prefer the comfort of the known to the risk of having a coffee with someone who may espouse values opposed to what we hold dear. Additionally, integrating a new friend into an already established group can be challenging, both for us and for the newcomer.
Fear of Rejection
That fear of rejection that was usually so present in middle school never goes away. It stays with us as we age. In fact, it can become more pronounced. The stakes feel higher because we are more aware of who we are and what we value. When we were younger, the fear of rejection might have been overshadowed by the excitement of meeting new people. Now, with more experience and the insecurities that adulthood brings, we might worry more about whether we will be accepted or if the effort to connect will be worth it. This fear can prevent us from taking the first step in initiating new friendships.
Becoming Less Adventurous
As we age, we may become more set in our ways, which can impact our openness to new friendships. People often become more rigid in their thinking and less open to new experiences. This rigidity can manifest in various ways, such as being less willing to engage in new activities or meet new people who might challenge our worldviews. Our life experiences shape our beliefs and attitudes, making us more cautious and less willing to take risks. This decline in adventurousness can make us less likely to put ourselves in new social situations where we might meet potential friends. Consequently, we might prefer the familiarity of our existing social circles over the potential discomfort of forming new connections.
Changes in Social Environments
In our younger years, environments like school and extracurricular activities brought us into contact with potential friends. As adults, these built-in social settings become less common. Workplaces can offer opportunities to meet new people, but professional relationships don’t always translate into personal friendships. Outside of work, finding new social venues can be more difficult. We often have to seek out and join new groups or activities, which requires a conscious effort. If we are not intentional about it, we will simply have a harder time developing new relationships.
Understanding these challenges helps us recognize why making new friends in midlife can be so difficult. Acknowledging these barriers is the first step in addressing them, allowing us to approach the process of forming new relationships with greater awareness and intention.
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I will see you next week!
Roque Neto 