Many men grow up learning that emotional restraint is a strength. Independence, problem-solving, and self-reliance are reinforced early on, while vulnerability is discouraged or dismissed. Over time, this creates a difficult tension. The desire for connection is still present, sometimes deeply so, but the pathways to pursue it are less clear. Language to express emotions is limited. Models are scarce. Cultural permission is uncertain.
This often shows up as men who may have many acquaintances but few or no close friendships. Some find it difficult to initiate or maintain contact, while others are unsure what emotional intimacy in friendship even looks like. As a result, emotional needs are often concentrated within a romantic relationship, placing significant pressure on one person to meet them.
When this happens, one partner may become the primary or only source of emotional support, which can lead to insecurity, a need for reassurance, or conflict that reflects unmet needs beyond the relationship. In some cases, this pressure can also shape patterns of control, influencing decision making and relational power, and at times escalating into emotional or physical harm. In this sense, strengthening friendships can play an important role in supporting healthier romantic relationships.
For these reasons, I would like to propose one useful shift: thinking of friendship as something that can be learned. It is not only a matter of circumstance or luck. It involves a set of skills that many men were never taught. Checking in with a friend beyond surface-level conversation, expressing appreciation directly, navigating conflict without withdrawing, and sustaining connection over time are all learned behaviors.
Framing friendship in this way tends to reduce shame and open space for growth. It allows men to approach connection with curiosity rather than fear.
This shift in the way we think about friendship is also an invitation to a broader examination of masculinity. Many clients carry rigid beliefs about what it means to be a man, and those beliefs can limit the ways they show up in relationships. Expanding that definition can be both challenging and freeing. Emotional expression does not have to be at odds with strength. Closeness between men does not have to be viewed as weakness. Simple statements such as “I appreciate you” or “I have been thinking about you” can begin to feel less unfamiliar over time.
Change can begin with small experiments: a brief message to a friend. Sharing something slightly more personal than usual. Naming appreciation directly. These actions may appear minor on the surface, but they often represent internal shifts toward vulnerability and openness.
Building deeper friendships does not require you to become a different person. You can start by taking small steps toward being a more visible version of yourself. That sense of being known, rather than simply seen, is often what many of us are seeking.
We are in a moment where traditional expectations around male friendship are being reconsidered, and that shift feels especially necessary in the context of rising loneliness among men. This can bring discomfort, but it also creates space for something different to emerge. The goal is not to replace one set of rigid expectations with another, but to allow more room for flexibility, authenticity, and connection.
As a counselor in training, my work with male clients centers on creating conditions that make vulnerability feel more accessible and aligned with who the client wants to become. This approach avoids pushing vulnerability before he is ready.
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I will see you next week!
Roque Neto 